I'm a fifteen year old boy, I don't need a diary, (except when I do)
by m.isles
Summary: Henry is a sass-master and this is his diary. Mild Robin bashing. Swan Queen.


15th July, 2:16pm.

Dear Diary,

That's how you start these things isn't it? I'm not sure how this is supposed to work, I mean, this is a secret diary but I think I'm going to call you something a bit more macho. Like, Thor. This is going to be my super-macho, superhero diary, who now goes by Thor.

15th July, 2:18pm

Dear Thor,

This is weird. What if Thor's real, and somehow lands in Storybrooke, finds my diary and thinks I'm some sort of obsessive who's been writing him weird letters? Let's just go back to diary. Diary is macho. I am macho. Now all I'm thinking about is one of Mom's lectures on gender equality and stereotypes.

15th July, 2:20pm

Dear Diary,

I am not macho, you are not macho. You are a diary, and I am using you to record my feelings and stuff. Nobody cares about being macho here or anywhere. Right, done. To the point:

They think they're hiding, but really, who are they kidding? They've never been able to hide anything. In fact, I knew well before they did, and honestly I didn't realise two adults could be so… well, for lack of a better word, stupid!

I really didn't like it at first. My Moms. Being together. Not in the 'we are co-parents and therefore we must have weekly dinners for the kid' kind of way, although it did start out like that. No, it was the 'I'm going to kiss you the moment we are alone, and make super-secret' lovey eyes at you when we aren't' kind of way I just couldn't warm up to. Ma is as subtle as a rock, so honestly it wasn't that hard to work out the development. At first, it was a big fat NOPE from me.

Mom and I were past the whole 'you're evil and I hate you' phase, thank god. I'm so ashamed of that time in our lives, I can only insist that I was young and childish, and living in a grey-less world. I really wish i could take all of those years back; Mom looked at me like it was painful, tearing her heart apart, and after that she didn't even really look at me at all. But then there was Neverland, which kind of put things in perspective, and that's when I truly saw her as something more than just 'The Evil Queen'. We spent time getting to know one another again, but then New York happened, and Zelena with her army of flying monkeys, (I know right, who could make this stuff up?). Eventually that was fixed and everything went back to normal. Except it didn't. Enter the beards: Hook, who isn't so bad when he isn't leering at Ma's chest region (ew!) and fucking Robin Hood. I can swear, okay? I'm 15: definitely old enough to swear, as long as Mom doesn't see. And Ma, even though I suspect she would only reprimand me because Mom would want her to.

Back to Robin, the asshat, (Ma is the swear-sult queen, or so she says). Robin who dithered between Mom and Marian, causing heartbreak and heartache. I don't really get what Mom saw in him anyway, maybe women like that whole I'm confused 104% of the time look. I would try it except I'm positive I'll look like a schmuck. Also, who takes hotness advice from that pleb? Not me. Well, after a few months of him she decided that she shouldn't let fairy dust dictate her destiny, especially when she can't even stand the man. After that decision was made, I had the joy of listening to a thirty minute lecture on feminism, and free will, and then somehow she ended up reminiscing about 5 year old me, who liked to parade around in a tutu. I really hope she doesn't have any evidence of this though, it would do nothing for the mass amounts of street cred I currently hold. Yeah, I have that. Maybe.

Okay, I lied. I have absolutely zero street credit but, 1) I'm not even completely sure what it entails, and 2) I have two magic practitioners for parents so I'm guessing I probably won't need it. If I'm being attacked by some great monstrous beast, I would just go to them. On second thought, maybe I would just go to Mom, because at least she still has a reputation even if she doesn't enact any of her threats anymore. Ma is more like The Dork One rather the The Dark One. She spends most of her time tracking the residents of Storybrooke (although admittedly it's usually Leroy), and then poofing to wherever they are to cackle evilly in their faces. She also alternates between charming fog to creep up on the town in a curse like manner and leaving red apples in random places. One time she tied my shoelaces together, and I sported grazed elbows for a week. Now I'm immune to the pranks because Mom threatened to peel off her fingernails individually if she ever attempted anything like that again. I think she also entertains herself by dressing up in her Dark One clothes around Snow, the only deals she makes are those involving bear-claws, though. Definitely The Dork One

Well this certainly went off topic, who knew diary writing was hard? Gonna leave it here for now. I might see if Ma is up for pranking Mom at dinner tonight, that'll be fun!

Laters, Diary


End file.
